You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
