So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
