I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
