My nipple is on Facebook.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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