some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
