i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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