are you so shy because you have an std?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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