my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
