I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
