I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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