Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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