My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
