I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
