I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
