hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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