you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
