i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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