u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
