Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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