So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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