atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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