I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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