At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
