Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There r osticjed everywhere
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
