Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
