He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
