Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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