Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
