Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
How's work?
Spinning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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