I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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