I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
