Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
