life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
