i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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