Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
