My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
two words...techno handjob
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
