I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
