I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
