shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
