I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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