Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
