normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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