You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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