Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
