Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
