I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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