You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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