when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
