that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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