Kiss
Puke
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
