please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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