When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
